Musings of a Car Guy: So Many Keys, So Little Time


Another anonymous post from a loyal TDC reader. This piece is fan-flippin-tastic.

So, I got to thinking the other day on my commute to work, as is the place where I do most of my pondering; if money were no object, what would I be driving right now? It’s sunny and warm with a light breeze and The Police rocking out on the radio. If money were no object I wouldn’t have to be limited to driving just one car, I could have a different car every day of the week! Seeing as how I am never going to have that kind of money, I’m going to sit here and post my thoughts online. Feel free to post a comment or two if you agree or disagree with my choices.

Monday. Does anyone actually even know that Sunday is the first day of the week anymore? Either way, Monday is pretty much the crappiest day of the week. It is the day you spill hot coffee on your lap at the first stop light on your commute, it’s the day when the meetings happen, and the day lasts longer than you want because of the extra e-mails that built up over the weekend, and you still have to pick up groceries on the way home. Friday was a great finish to last week but any good boss will tell you how to improve come Monday morning. “Hey, thanks for the appreciation and boost in office morale, prick.”

So what do you drive on Mondays? This would be the daily driver, the to-and-from work car. You want to have reasonably good gas mileage but when money is no object, you can’t be a Prius driver. You can just go and buy your carbon credits. My choice would be the Audi RS4 Avant.

Audi RS4 Avant

Mileage is decent providing you stay out of the throttle, there is room for the wife and 2.5 kids with space in the trunk for groceries, all-wheel drive for the occasional snow squall or heavy downpour, and last but not least a straight up fire breathing, Bumble Bee Camaro killing, kraut eating German monster under the hood. Enough said. When you want to pass the jerk in the left lane that is doing the speed limit, pop that DSG level down one, mash the pedal and smoke him.

Tuesday. Although somewhat of a follow up to Monday’s blues, Tuesday is a new day. It’s the day where you and the guys have a man-night. A few brews at your local gastro-pub and rousing discussions of work, women, sports and, of course, who has the nicer car. Keep in mind that you’re filthy so all your friends are loaded too. You may have money, but you’re not one of those rich guys who buys a car because of its social status. You have seven cars of purpose and you drive each one for a reason. Testosterone Tuesday means muscle car: the 1964 Ford Fairlane Thunderbolt.

Ford Fairlane Thunderbolt

The end of the night rolls around and you bring the boys out back to the private parking spot in the parking garage to show them your Tuesday ride. The car that only has about a hundred sisters (111-127 cars produced, sources disagree), came stock from the factory running an 11.6 second ¼ mile trapping at 124 mph, 3,203 lbs with full fluids, 427 cubic inches (7.0 liters for you young guys), four barrel carbs, and a high rise manifold that cranked out 657 horsepower at 7,000 rpms. Your buddies were wondering why when you arrived you were shaking. It’s because you just drove an American Drag-Strip Demon and it took everything to keep it on the road without you melting the tires at every stop light. It is speculated that the Thunderbolt was the fastest production drag car ever produced.

Wednesday. Some may call it “Hump Day.” What part of the population actually humps on hump day? My guess is less than 30%. Monday and Tuesday have sucked at work. Your boss is friendly but an underhanded dick, your “administrative assistant” called out sick because her daughter has a runny nose, and your wife is off getting a treatment at the day spa. Sounds like you’re taking a day off too! What would a self respecting class, gentleman like yourself do on your day off?

Get out of town? Check. Quench your thirst for speed on the water? Check.

Sitting on the beach is for guys that are either whipped into doing so by their wives, obsessed with getting tan and being “Snooked out,”or you have a stomach that crests so much when lying down you can’t see the ocean. You are none of those men. You are handsome, you have chiseled abs, wear white polos with the collar in the correct “un-popped” position, sport Ray-Bans, and create some of that aura and mystery for the unfortunate women that can’t have you. You my friend have a boat. Not just one, many. Sunday cruising on Golden Pond is done on your one-of-a-kind 1938 Chris Craft 29’ twin engine Sportsman.

ChrisCraft Sportsman

Weekend sailing trips are enjoyed on the Hinckley SW70, and your day out by yourself or with the guys is done on the Statement Marine 42 foot v-hull powered by twin Mercury Racing 1075SCi engines (look it up.) Straight nasty and classy. The 2011 model has not been released yet but it is poised to be the Bugatti Veyron of off shore power boats.

But we digress; we’re here to talk cars. What do you drive down to the yacht club? Today it’s the 2009 Mercedes Benz G55 G V12 S Bi-Turbo by BRABUS. This German colossus is propelled by a twin turbo V12 that crushes the 0-60 mph run in a scant 4.3 seconds. It’s not meant for top speed but if you needed to go 150 mph, you can. Need to move the boats? Again, no problem. That connecting rod shredding, tire smoking, war machine of an engine produces 700 hp at 5,100 rpms and 973 lb-ft of torque at 2,100 rpms. For the Love of God and All Living Things that are Good, you could tow your vacation house around with that kind of power. If the infamous Volkswagen Touareg V10 TDi can tow a Boeing 747 (seriously, check it out on Youtube) with only 553 lb-ft of torque, can you imagine what you could move with this thing? Not to mention it hasn’t really changed shape in thirty years. The G is stately and refined, low key enough to show up to a wedding and bad ass enough to pull a Jumbo jet around on your private air strip.

Brabus Bi-Turbo

Thursday. Back to work. Ever stare at the dainty girl walking by and you don’t quite know why she’s so beautiful? There isn’t one thing that sticks out, she’s just subtlety perfect. When you get her home, however, she breaks out the whips and chains and makes you cry like a little boy. The Cadillac CTS-V is a little like that. Dainty and cosseting when you need it to be, then dangerous and a little freaky when let loose.

The V is subtly different than the regular CTS sedan: A little bit lower, a stonkin’ chrome grill, a hidden pair of brake discs the size of formal dinner ware, and a little “V” badge on the boot. I can hear you all screaming, “But, what about the Porsche Panamera Turbo S or the Mercedes E63 AMG?!?” Let’s just go ahead and eliminate the Porsche right now. It currently holds the new record at the Nurburgring in Germanywith a 7:56minute lap time, beating out the Caddy by 3.32 seconds, but I’d rather make out with a walrus and shag a manatee than own the Panamera. It’s so ugly it’s not even funny. Really, it’s not funny, so stop laughing. I’ll give up those three seconds on the track and take the CTS-V, the second fastest four-door family sedan on the planet. Not to mention, the CTS-V is bringing the swagger and the old school class back to the Cadillac brand.

Cadillac CTS-V

If you tried to take Grammy for a ride and make her get in the back of a Panamera, she’d hit you with her cane and walk to wherever you were going. “What about the E-Class?” you may ask. Well, that’s a toss up. Edmunds gives the Caddy the advantage, Road & Track gives the Benz the #1, and Motortrend has the CTS-V losing to the RS4. Seeing as how you already own the RS4 and the ridiculously awesome G Wagon, you diversify and choose the nostalgic Caddy with the volcano under the hood.

Coming next week, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Can you even stand to know what you’re going to be driving on Friday?!

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